Whether you are engaged, newly married, or even if you have been married for years, we all strive for one thing - a successful marriage that will last.
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Marriage - one of the most rewarding yet challenging relationships in life. You have two different people, coming together to live life as one - not easy. Then add on the stresses of life & a culture that is constantly encouraging us to "upgrade" when things get outdated, boring, or just because (hello, Apple products) - it becomes even more challenging. So the question becomes, how do we set our marriages up for success?
First, we have to define what exactly is a successful marriage?
Marriage isn't "one size fits all." There is no one "correct" way to do it. Every couple has their own ideas and opinions on what a successful marriage looks like. Maybe you think a successful marriage means that you and your partner never get divorced. Someone else may think it is successful if both parties are happy and fulfilled in the marriage. The list could go on and on.
What we find is that although couples may have different viewpoints on what a successful marriage looks like, they all tend to use the same principles to get there. These tips are meant to prepare you for the future challenges you will ultimately face in your relationship, and guide you through the ones you may be facing now. No marriage is perfect, but with hard work, dedication, and a lot of love - a long lasting, successful relationship can be attainable!
Let's dive into my tips on building a successful marriage that lasts!
Tip #1 - Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
Communication is crucial to a successful marriage. In fact, it is one of the most important things a couple can do together because it solves problems. Every stressor in marriage—kids, money, sex, etc.— can be addressed with open and honest communication. A lack of communication, however, creates problems. I recently read that 86 percent of divorced couples admitted they had communication problems in their marriages - YIKES!
Communication isn't just talking. It is a delicate balance of talking, active & empathetic listening, and willingness to make changes or compromise. That is what makes effective communication so difficult. Too often, couples communicate by talking AT one another instead of WITH. When we do this, we cause more problems. Remember, it takes two to TANGO. In order to solve our problems and not create them, we have to work together to find that balance.
There is also a level of intimacy and trust that is required to ensure successful communication. In great relationships, couples are able to share everything - including their most private thoughts - feeling safe, comfortable, and heard. You want your partner to be your person - someone you can go to about anything at anytime. No issue, thought, or feeling should ever feel too small & no problem should ever feel too big. Just communicate it out!
Tip #2 - Work on YOU
Many times, in relationships (especially when things go wrong), we focus our attention on the problems of others. We like to point the finger & find all the ways that our partner needs to change. Pointing out the flaws of others doesn't help, it hurts.
Instead of focusing on your partner's flaws, wrongdoings, or ways that he/she needs to change, focus on YOU! What are things you can work on/improve to achieve what you desire? We all know that we have a laundry list of things that we struggle with. For example, one of mine is that I tend to have unrealistically high expectations of others. This can & does put a strain on my marriage at times because I expect Kent to do things MY way. I have really had to work on myself since we got married - allowing him to be his own person, do things his own way, and not micromanage him. What is something you could work on?
No matter what challenge you choose, there is a way to improve and better yourself. Becoming a better you will, in turn, help your relationship & lead to a successful marriage.
Tip #3 - Be Honest & Open About Your Expectations
Being honest and open in your relationship is super important - right from the start. It not only allows you and your partner to continue moving forward in your relationship, it also builds trust, intimacy, and sets you up for success.
Too often, in new relationships, people aren't completely honest with each other. They keep things from one another, don't share the full truth, don't voice their needs/wants fully, etc. This can be due to a lack of trust or fear of rejection. When we aren't completely honest with our partners from the beginning of our relationship, we create a false sense of reality. For example, having a family is usually a HUGE point of conversation in new relationships. If I say that I want kids when I really don't - I am allowing my partner to imagine a life with me that includes kids. Then, if we make it to that stage in our relationship, & I "change my mind" - BOOM! A major fight erupts. This goes for small things too. If you expect your partner to help out with chores around the house, tell them and hold them accountable. Honesty is always the best policy in relationships!
Being honest & open doesn't stop after the newness of your relationship wears off. It is imperative that you maintain a level of trust through all stages of your relationship/marriage. Trust is easily broken, but not easily restored.
Tip #4 - Prioritize Your Relationship
Your marriage should be the MOST important relationship in your life (aside from Christ - if you are a believer). When things are new and fresh, prioritizing your relationship seems to come so naturally. Unfortunately, as life starts to truly begin - jobs, marriage, kids, etc. - we get too busy, too tired, (insert any other excuse you can think of). Don't wait until you've hit that point to set some healthy habits like these:
Date your Spouse
Just because you are married, doesn't mean that you should stop dating your spouse. Actually, it's more important now, than ever! Too often, couples check the box of marriage & the flame between them slowly starts to dwindle. Then, add kids to the mix & POOF, the flame is nonexistent. Trust me, I've been there. Kent and I have been married about 5 years & we struggle with this at times - especially when Noah was born. After working, caring for the baby, and taking care of all of our daily/weekly responsibilities - it became far too easy to just live as roommates rather than soulmates.
Just remember, you chose your spouse for a reason. Don't forget those reasons just because there's a ring on your finger. Find ways to keep the flame burning bright - even if it's something simple & small. Make dinner together. Play games on the couch after your kids go to bed. Get a babysitter & go out to eat. Leave each other cute notes or texts just because. Just find ANY way to spend quality time together & show one another that you care.
Serve Your Spouse
The phrase, "serve your spouse" gets a bad wrap. The word serve, in people's minds, tends to mean waiting on your partner hand & foot. This is not the case. Serving your spouse is simply finding ways to meet his/her needs. For example, dishes are one of my least favorite chores. Being a stay-at-home mom, I seem to do dishes ALL day long! Kent knows this, so when he can, he'll do them for me. He's also really good about drying while I wash - which makes them go much faster. Sure, he doesn't love dishes either, but he knows that it will make me happy.
I try to do similar things for him. Kent is really big on words of affirmation. He likes feeling appreciated & loved by me. Although I am not the best at it, I try my best to find ways to let him know how much he means to me - whether that's a sticky note with his coffee, sending him a sweet text while he's working, or just telling him whenever I can. Simple things like that fill his bucket and strengthen our relationship.
The best way to find out how you can serve your spouse is by asking. Ask them, "what is something that I can do for you that makes your life easier/better? You could also both read the best selling relationships book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. In the book, Chapman breaks down our relationship needs in 5 love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, & Physical Touch. It is a MUST read for couples & really helps in teaching how to love your spouse productively. You can also take a free online test HERE.
Tip #5 - Stick it Out
Marriage can be hard. Anyone who is/has been married can attest to that. But just because something gets hard, doesn't mean that we give up. In those moments of doubt or difficulty, remember why you chose him/her. Communicate with one another about the things that are causing you problems. Be honest & open with each other with no judgement. And although it may be the last thing you want to do - prioritize each other. Try everything you can to get back to that place where he/she was your everything & don't give up until you get there.
If you are in a relationship currently - especially those that are married - I urge you to try implementing these tips TODAY! Try them out and see what happens. Comment below & let me know what works for you. Is there something I’m missing from my list that has worked for you? Share it with me! I want to know what has helped you and maybe it can help someone else too.
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